都是茉莉花茶惹得禍

昨天喝了茉莉花茶，因為不敵那濃濃中的清香。於是不顧自己無法承受咖啡因的身體，放開心懷地享受那一杯的清香。一整天都興奮過度的。去學校時好像喝了酒似地膽子也變大了！教授有問必大聲回答。可是夜深人靜時就是我付代價的時刻了！只睡了3個多小時，起了大早，精神不濟的，好慘哦！想睡可又無法入眠，寫寫網誌記錄丸丸抵擋不了茉莉花茶的誘惑事件。

祝你/妳也幸福哦！

長週末回娘家時，就近去了華人超市，看到我最愛的茉莉花茶就在收銀員前面的陳列架上，我已經無法抗拒了，於是貼心的凱恩馬上買了“她”來取悅丸丸。所以在丸丸心裡啜飲那一杯茉莉花茶是在品茗幸福的味道。幸福是清清淡淡的濃郁，直教人愛不樂乎地沈浸其中！它確猶在心上烙下深深的印記。

今天，丸丸不敢喝茉莉花茶，只是拿起那茶包，深深呼吸著幸福的味道.............

“我們愛，因為神先愛我們。” ～約翰一書4：19

Why Me (Jesus Commands My Destiny)

        To many it might be a regular evening: eating dinner, watching TV or walking their dog in the neighborhood.  But to her the routine was different, home continued to be a source of pain.  Tears continued to be the appetizer at dinnertime.  While she was weeping in her bed, her four-year-old son, Wesley, came in and asked, “Mommy, there is Batman and Superman but why is our Daddy a madman?”  She couldn’t answer that question.  She was too tired to make up any more excuses for her children’s father.  How could she continue to tell him that Daddy’s voice is loud because he might have a hearing problem?   How could she continue to lie to her kids in this way?  Aren’t they the angels that God sent to this special family to help and to love their Daddy?  When the kids asked her why they didn’t have wings, she fooled them for many years by telling them to touch their back and told them that their wings were hidden.

            Wesley told her, “we need to pray for Daddy,” just like each time she had asked the kids to pray for their father with her in the past.  However, she couldn’t endure it any more, as she looked into his innocent face, so pure, so naïve, and so sincere, she cried out, “No!”  But almost instantly she realized that she couldn’t let her loving child lose his faith.  So, she said to her beloved son, Wesley, “You go and pray for your Dad.”  Unexpectedly, Wesley laid his chubby little hand on her head and started praying, “Jesus, please make my Mom happy and help her to not cry any more.  I love her, in Jesus’ name, Amen.”  He gave her a kiss, then, went out of her bedroom to pray for his Dad.

            I, Angie, am Wesley’s Mom.  Through all the tears, bitterness, pain and suffering, and the seventeen years of marriage, suicide never succeeded in ending the source of the pain in my life.  Frederick Douglass once said, “If there is no struggle, there is no progress.”  He also said, “Men may not get all they pay for in this world; but they must certainly pay for all they get.  If we ever get free from all the oppressions and wrongs heaped upon us, we must pay for their removal.  We must do this by labor, by suffering, by sacrifice, and if need be by our lives, and the lives of others.”  I thought to myself, “I cannot go on like this, I cannot continue to live this lie.”  The lie that I kept telling myself was that I could overcome the mental and physical hurt simply by enduring it day by day.  I had to realize that I was not making any progress, and nothing was going to change.  I realized that I had to make a change.

Therefore, I finally stepped out, and I broke free from the bondage!  I now had to learn to love myself, and to protect myself from both physical and mental abuse by making changes in my life.  I have now stepped out of the character of a battered woman, and moved on.  I feel as though I have flown over the valley of oppression and over the mountain of injustice, and landed in the meadow of peace and grace. 

I was just like the battered wife in the movie “Sleeping with the Enemy,”  (played by Julia Roberts) all she needed was courage, the courage to protect herself, and the courage to change the pattern of her miserable life.  She finally escaped her horrendous life, and now so have I.

My sister once told me that as a Christian I am the precious daughter of God.  Although it was tough to believe at the time, I know that it was true then as it is true now.  I have always wanted to fulfill the plan of God for my life, but I realized that I would first have to protect the temple of God the Holy Spirit, which is my own body.  This truth hit home with me, and therefore with my sister’s encouragement and constant support from my parents and brothers, I was able to survive, to have the courage to change, and to move forward without any guilty feelings about ending my marriage.

During the process of recovery from this unhealthy relationship, I have experienced quite a bit of “blame-the-victim” attitude from people.  It has hurt me to hear people say in effect, “You must have done something to make him act that way toward you.”  But, I now realize most people just don’t understand what I have gone through.  The poor advice and the insensitive things people have said to me really is okay because of the fact that they have no clue what the life was like that I experienced.  Because of this realization, I forgive them for their lack of sensitivity and lack of understanding.  This is what has motivated me to return to school.

Since I want to help women who are suffering just like I once suffered, I have decided to go back to school after being out of school for twenty years.  I have done this with the encouragement of my children and my new husband.  My returning to school and continuing my education will make all my painful experience worthwhile.  It will not only allow me to help others, but it will allow me to help others from a position of understanding.  It will mean everything to me to provide hope, support, and encouragement to women who are suffering.

Why me?  Why Angie?  Why did such a terrible experience happen to me and why did I have to endure it for so long?  Well, as I think about helping out other women the answer is clear, even if my friends don’t understand.  My friends are wondering why I am going back to school.  They ask me, “Why not enjoy your life?  Since you are now married to a man who loves you, treats you right, shows you great respect and your life is good, why worry about going back to school?  Especially at your age!  Why not take it easy since your kids are all grown up?  Why stress yourself out with all the essays, projects and exams?”  As I think about it they may have a point, and sometimes I do ask myself the same thing.

But I come back to one significant realization, my life experience and the pain from the past cannot be for nothing.  When I think about helping others get through the same pain and suffering it just continues to confirm and strengthen my determination that this is my calling and that there is a purpose in it.

I am the one who has been chosen to help, to provide comfort, and to provide hope to women in need.  Therefore, by God’s grace I will overcome the difficulties of my biological age, I will pursue this educational goal, and I will be able to help others.  I will not only help others by my experience, not only with my sympathy, nor merely through compassion, but also with professional training.  This is why I selected the major “Human Services.”  This major includes the core classes of Human Services, Sociology, Psychology and Anthropology. 

The classes that I have taken in the last two semesters have definitely broadened my views and knowledge.  I believe pursuing this educational goal is important for me to be able to provide encouragement and comfort to those in need.

             So now when I ask, “Why me?” the answer is easy, “Why not me?”  I am the perfect one for the job.  When I was suffering in the past I asked myself this question all the time, and now I know the answer without a doubt: to prepare me for my life’s work, my life’s mission.  I know that now is the time.  I am strong now, and I am ready to take on the challenge.  I am ready to go back to college, to make a difference in my own life, and to make a difference and a positive impact in others’ lives as well.  And, as someone once said, “Because no one cares about how much you know until they know how much you care.”  Well, I not only care deeply, I also will know how to help those in need once I finish my education.  I know that with this powerful combination that I will make a difference!

One day at a time, one step at a time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLy8ksqGf9w&feature=related

His Kindness, My New Life

Quotes for today:

"Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see." - Mark Twain

"Since you have been chosen by God who has given you this new kind of life, and because of his deep love and concern for you, you should practice tenderhearted mercy and kindness to others." - Colossians 4:12 (TLB)

     With all the great kindness and amazing things happening to my life, I give thanks to my Lord Almighty.  Life has been good ever since I set my priority right.  Going back to school to finish my bachelor degree has been my dream for years, but due to many circumstances of life that dream has been placed on the back burner.  God is amazing and when I refocus my life according to His plan then every thing falls in its place beautifully.

     With the encouragement from my Mama (My mother-in-law,who is a godly woman and this is the way I call her. She has shown me great support and welcomed me to the Berg family and she addressed me her daughter when Kevin and I got married.), that I had summited an application for scholarship and wrote an essay to explain my intention for my education and goal.  The essay reflects how great our Almighty God is to turn my life around and how wonderful it is with all the kindness, acceptance and encouragement I've received from people surround me.  The essay is posted under the title "Why Me."

     I was so scared about going back to school, because my low self-esteem that I thought to myself that I was old, it's been 20 years away from college, and English is not my mother tongue...etc.  But when God is in my side the fear has gone.  God turns things around for my best interest to glorify His Holy Name.  It's been three semesters now and I took 5 classes in last two semesters, and two classes in one summer.  God shows me that when I do my best and He will takes care the rest.  I've been doing great with GPA 3.74 in Spring 2010 and 3.94 in Fall 2009.  I know clearly that it's not just putting my effort then I can have good grades, but because God always keeps His promises just as written in Proverb 3:5-6. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

     I'm thankful about my life as it is written in Hosea 14:7 "Men will dwell again in his shade.  He will flourish like the grain.  He will blossom like a vine, and his fame will be like the wine from Lebanon."  The other Bible verse helps to remind myself and examine my life, which is written in Hosea 14:9 "Who is wise? He will realize these things.  Who is discerning?  He will understand them.  The ways of the Lord are right; the righteous walk in them, but the rebellious stumble in them."

我看“餓是今生最深的記憶...”的讀後感

我看“餓是今生最深的記憶...”的讀後感

by Angie Berg on Friday, August 27, 2010 at 12:11pm

我看“餓是今生最深的記憶...”的讀後感：（餓一文附在我的讀後感之下，相信你讀完也會有你的感想，希望您不吝與我分享。）

嗨！（嘆氣）“ 一文錢逼死英雄好漢”那個當下的經歷我心戚戚焉！好理佳在（台語，意：幸好）我是屬神的兒女，風雨生信心，希望在定睛於我主耶穌基督。過去如何最深的記憶都比不過主耶穌基督為我釘十架的釘痕深，於是可以將苦難化屬靈進深，品格培養的維他命。不卑不亢地昂首邁向天父為我規劃的人生。往者已矣，來者可追！對於過去，現在，未來，好的壞的，面對，接受，處理，放下，Let God and let go.  Do my best, trust and knowing that my Heavenly Father will do the rest. 我的座右銘是聖經箴言三章5－6節 “你要專心仰賴耶和華，不可倚靠自己的聰明，在你一切所行的事上都要認定祂，祂必指引你的路。” 

對於目前，看我所有的，數算恩典, make the best of it or make the most of it, 珍惜！曾經有朋友在擁有金龜婿後告訴我她如今是財大氣粗，我也經歷過未經貧困之苦的朋友如晉惠帝般對我說“沒飯吃，為何不吃肉”版提議的對話，更有自恃有才者盛氣臨人的姿態教訓人。只想提醒自己不僅不要日後“財”大氣粗，也不要“才”大氣粗。

哈哈哈，我是天生麗質，楚楚動人，冰雪聰明，才華洋溢，靈氣逼人，秀外慧中，俠義柔情，堅毅不阿又青春無敵的丸丸！（是時間關禁閉，我得去三省吾身了。）

<span>Subject: 餓是今生最深的記憶....</span>

<span> </span>“一篇好文章“ ,“感謝與好友分享〜 

作者簡介 

朱炎. 山東省安邱縣人，民國二十五年生。十三歲隨軍來臺，員林實驗中學、臺大外文系畢業，西班牙馬德里大學文哲博士，美國克來蒙研究院研究美國小說。曾任中研院美國文化研究所研究員兼所長，現任臺大外文系教授兼文學院院長、中研院美國文化研究所研究員。著有「美國文學評論集」、「苦澀的成長」、「期待集」、「酒入愁腸總成淚」、「海明威的浪漫愛情觀」(英文)、「酸棗子」、「繁星是夜的眼睛」等書；「福克納小說中的黑人意象」論文七篇，「文學與社會」十講，及其他論文多篇。

餓是今生最深的記憶 -朱炎

現在這一代的年輕人大概很難想像饑餓是種什麼滋味了，然而打從我一出生，便一直飽受饑餓的折磨，就連大學四年，都還是有一頓沒一頓地，好不容易咬緊牙關，勒緊褲腰才硬撐了過來。人家說年輕歲月是人生中的黃金時刻，我卻始終連肚皮都填不胞。捱餓的滋味，我這輩子都忘不了。即使如此，我卻從來不曾放棄過希望和理想。我不顧顛覆坎坷，居然也踏上了留學之路，進而在文學領域裏馳騁攀越。回數那段匐匍的過程，每一個歷歷的腳印裏，不知有我多少不為人知的淚水與汗水滴了又乾，乾了又滴......

狗與我不愉快的遭遇繫在一起

先父是個讀書人，在亂世裏這種人最可憐。工人出賣勞力，商人囤積居奇，都不難生存；只有讀書人，唯一賴以謀生的教書工作在那種時候可以說根本無法安定。學校解散，學生流亡，一片民心惶惶......不幸我就是出生在這樣的時代。民國二十五年，正是對日抗戰爆發的前夕，緊接著鬧八路、鬧土匪，就再也沒過過一天安寧的日子.

    「餓」是童年唯一的記憶。就算不打仗，家中的日子也是十分清苦，共產黨一來，除了鬥爭地主之外，知識份子「臭老九」更是他們要打倒的對象，我們全家因此被掃地出門，頃間一無所有。親戚朋友更視我們如瘟疫，避之猶恐不及，更別說出面接濟了！我和底下的一個弟弟，一家婦孺何以維生？不可避免地我們淪為了討食的乞丐。

提了小竹籃，等在人家門外的經驗至今清晰。我守在那裏，看裏面的人和麵擀皮做餃子。蕎麥麵的香味一陣陣傳出，饑腸轆轆的我只有乾嚥唾沫，可是人家往往卻對我視若無睹，甚至收下來的殘湯剩飯都不捨給我，尤有甚者，他們的狗也衝出來咬我！一直到現在，每當我在街上看到各式各樣的狗類，記憶中的創傷仍會隱隱作痛。「狗仗人勢」、「狗眼看人低」是我真真實實的人生遭遇，除了有錢人養的惡犬，還有就是日本鬼子威風凜凜的大狼狗，以及半夜裏村上悽厲的狗吠－這時候一定是有土匪或是八路摸進了村上來，我們就必須立刻跳窗連夜逃命－狗在我的記憶中總與太多不愉快的遭遇繫在一起。

  那一次我終於受不了了,，當著母親的面把柳條籃丟進了草叢裏：「我不去了！再也不去了！挨人家白眼不算，還要被狗咬，我我……」愈說愈是傷心，涕淚滿腮。就這樣一家人餓了三四天後，才由母親上街去討了些乾火燒回來果腹。我那時早已餓得眼冒金星，抓了食物便狼吞虎嚥起來，母親一旁又疼又憐地說：「慢點吃！餓細了的腸子，禁不起這個撐法兒。……」母親滿溢關愛旳語調頓時令我百感交集，童年時這椎心的一幕，從此深深鍍蝕在我的腦海裏。

發誓有了錢要把油條沾米湯吃個夠

濟南、濰縣相繼淪陷共黨之手，青島市亦成了孤島，在流彈當頭，火砲四射的青島街頭，我拜別了母親。她老人家臨別只是長聲嘆著氣，說了一句：「這樣的亂世，大家各自逃命吧！」我一個世事不知的少年，帶著母親最後的叮嚀，在當時兵荒馬亂的情況下，真不知該何去何從。來到碼頭，但見萬頭鑽動，人人為爭上船的最後機會而扭打強奪。突然，我注意到一個下級的軍官，一手抱著一隻暖水瓶，一手提著蒜苔，肩上扛的是幾張大餅，等著要上船的模樣。我不知怎麼，忽然靈機一動，一個立正站到那軍官面前，必恭必敬地對他行了個舉手禮：「長官，您帶我走吧！」

冥冥中也許是老天的安排，那位先生一念之仁，竟讓我做了他的臨時傳令兵，把我一塊兒帶上了船。亂世中的人情最薄也最濃，往往有許多出人意料的真情流露，這件事使我懂得了當懷感念之心，畢竟人生中仍存在著真與至善。然而上岸之後，我們又在混亂中走散了，「萍水相逢，盡是他鄉異客」，卻是這樣的一段機緣，不僅讓我保住了性命，也改變了我一生。

意外地，我在臺北和大哥二哥又有了聯絡。大哥在部隊做個附員，拖著老婆兒子，自己都難養活；二哥大頭兵一個，想辦法把我安進了他所在的守備旅，可是名冊上沒我這個人，所以也無薪餉配給，只是每天有兩頓飯可吃，才不至於餓死。

之後我進了澎湖防衛司令部子弟學校，繼續我未完的學業。回憶起那段日子真是苦不堪言，卻令我印象極深。學校分小學、初中、高中，共有一兩千學生，但是物質條件相當簡陋，飯吃不飽，澡也沒得洗，冬天的時候也沒東西可蓋。最記得那時候開飯時候的景象：沒有一餐大家不在搶飯吃，沒有飯廳桌椅，一個個就端著碗蹲在院子裏。菜盆裏盡是湯湯水水，澎湖的風又大，隨便一陣風就可以把輕得可以的菜盆吹得滿院子跑，大家就跟著追，風停之後，飯菜裏全是砂粒。

許多人嘴饞，到廚房裏偷鍋巴來吃，我沒那膽子，頂多弄點人家煮乾飯旳米湯來喝。有一回學長們湊錢買來油條，把一根掰開分給我其中一股，我拿它沾熱米湯來吃，真是好好好好吃！滋味之美妙，讓我當時發下了這樣的誓：有朝一日我有了錢，第一件要做的事就是把油條沾米湯吃它個夠！

同學蒐集不用的飯票給我度三餐

學校不久從澎湖到搬了員林，情況略有改善，但是住的方面還是十分落後。五十多個人擠一個小房間還沒什麼，最可怕的是臭蟲為患。早上醒來，床上血跡斑斑，都是夜裏被自己壓扁的臭蟲。

營養不夠，衛生差大家都生疥瘡或夜盲症，但是到了高中畢業前夕，人人都半夜起來挑燈夜戰，準備參加大專聯考，只要聽見隔壁床下的臉盆一響，立刻就有人緊跟著下床拿自己的臉盆。當時我若是考不取大學，就只有從軍一途，但是我那時求知慾很強，能繼續念書才是我的理想，因此我就跟自己賭這一口氣，念得再苦再累也不輕易放棄。第一年我考上了淡江，但是沒有那個經濟能力；第二年捲土重來，終於如願以償－考取第一志願臺大外文系。

臺大是全國高材生的大本營，外文系的洋派與摩登在當時是為眾人所羨，然而我卻常覺得跟班上同學格格不入。大學生的自信與瀟灑我沒有，大學生的無憂與爽朗在我臉上也找不著，我只是個土佬寒酸，流亡來臺的窮學生，不僅功課上差別人一大截，在心理上也產生了自卑感，大陸救災總會發給我每個月九十塊錢，要吃飯要買書，根本不夠開支，當別人在傳紙條通知週末有舞會時，我擔心的卻是下一餐還沒著落。

愈是這樣艱困的環境，愈能挫奮起一個人的上進心。大哥二哥他們的情況比我好不到那裏去，卻也分別考上了中興和成大。對我而言，當時的唯一寄託就只是念書，希望可以念得忘掉了三餐時間，甚至忘掉饑餓。常常，中午大家都去吃飯了，我一個人留在圖書館裏，等大家吃得差不多了才又溜回宿舍，餓著肚子躺在床上，面朝裏，佯裝自己是在飯後午寢寐。……如此幼稚卻又倔強的自尊心，一次又一次考驗著我，也為我的青春歲月，烙下了永遠鮮明的成長印痕。

那時同住在第七宿舍的哲學系同學陳伯侖在學校餐廳包伙，知道我沒得吃，所以他常把他那份伙食分一半和我共享；還有員林實驗中學的老同學祁國祥，那時他白天在郵局上班，晚上在唸東吳法律系，看到我穿得破爛，特別送了我一套耐磨耐洗的牛仔裝，我一年四季都穿在身上，實在是因為沒有其他可供換洗的衣服。等穿到了不得不洗的地步，只好利用禮拜天躲在宿舍裏整天不出門洗衣服。還有一位第七宿舍的同學的弟弟吳才茂就讀當時的兵工學院－即中正理工的前身，每到週末就費心幫我蒐集要回家的同學的飯票……我不知道現在的年輕人彼此之間還有沒有這樣的慷慨和傻氣？這幾個名字多年來一直被我牢記在心，他們的患難相助，不僅解救了我無數次幾近山窮水盡的難關，更可貴的是，從他們的身上，我看到一種超越關懷與同情，時代的磨難或是環境的困窘都未能使之稍減的赤子情懷，使我受到相當大的鼓舞和感動。

一文錢逼死英雄好漢

大四那年暑假，我戀愛了。當時她從北一女畢業，在南海路科學館打工，一六六公分，只有四十來公斤，境遇同我一樣貧苦，和我一樣又黑又瘦，兩人可以說是惺惺相惜。在她的祝福下，我步出臺大校門，準備服預官。

貧得無立錐之地的我，正高興可以當兵吃糧去了，省得再為三餐傷腦筋。抽籤抽到金門，報到地點在高雄萬壽山的金門招待所，要在那裏等船期。等我到了高雄，出了火車站才知道招待所沒有派車來接，要自己搭公車去。我一問票價，要七毛錢。

可是我當時身上總共就只有五毛！

為了這兩毛錢，我在異地車站求告無門、心急如焚的經驗，教我真正體會到「一文錢逼死英雄好漢」的意義。眼看著天就要黑了，車站裏的人走得也差不多了，我卻仍一籌莫展。正當我急得抓耳掏腮，在原地團團打轉之時，一抬眼，我看到一個熟悉的身影走近……好像是…竟然真的是二哥！

這真是太不可思議的一件事！二哥見面的第一句話就是：「我覺得心裏有事！」二哥念成大人在臺南，我下高雄報到事先並沒有通知他，可是他聽說同學之中有人有兄弟要派往金門的，這幾天正陸續報到，奇怪那天下午他特別就覺得坐立難安。不知道是不是我在高雄車站走投無路的焦慮帶給他的心電感應？於是他便想到要來碰碰運氣，沒想到真的就遇上了他那個快被兩毛錢逼瘋的老弟！親人究竟是親人，我當時簡直激動得說不出話來……

退伍之後先在桃園縣立文昌初中龜山分校教了一年書，又回到臺大做了幾個月助教，同時考取了西班牙政府的獎學金，然後就負笈前往西班牙。那筆獎學金雖然數目不是很大，可是對我來說非常重要。我在歐洲三年，我的太太－當時還是女朋友，也等了我三年。知道她的家境清苦，我課餘打工賺錢寄給她。那時候打工做過臨時演員，也幹過替身這種危險的活兒，從小什麼苦沒吃過？早就養成一股不怕死的衝勁。但是在學成歸國前夕，我為了打點一些禮物帶給國內的親友，在西班牙阿爾馬利亞那個地方打工時，卻差點送了命。

那天適逢七月四日美國國慶，高昂的美國進行曲，震我耳鼓，為了發洩百感交集的情緒，我一個人跑去海邊游泳，結果陷身強勁的迴流，游不回岸上來，所幸被好心的西班牙人和朋友們合力救起。那時是一九六五年，若干年後，我輾轉得到消息才知道，可能就是那個時候我在大陸的姊姊不堪折磨而投水自盡了。姐弟之間的感應，有時候想起來真是十分微妙。

頭回竟然有人把飯菜送到我面前

回國後一個月，我就同女朋友結了婚。結婚的金戒指只花了一百元，因為銀樓的老闆就是我服役金門時的傳令兵，等於是半賣半送。當年這位傳令兵第一次在用餐時間將飯菜端進我辦公室時，我幾乎難以相信，我這輩子竟還會有這一天，有人把飯菜打好送到我面前！他大概也從來沒有看過像我這麼餓的排長，因為一路從上船、料羅灣下船，到小徑六十八師之前，所有費用都是自理，大哥給我的一點點錢早就貼光了，而挨餓的日子直到這時候才總算告一段落。

我就是這樣從我那個時代裏走出來的。每當我跟學生或與朋友再聊起過去的點滴時，總覺不值得自跨，也不覺自豪，好好壞壞，全都是我們那個時代的寫照。在那種篳路藍縷的時期，受苦的不光是我一個人，貧困、落後、節食縮衣是每個人共同的記憶。

而這一代的年輕朋友雖然不再受物質拮据之苦，但是在精神上卻承受著比我們那時要沈重得多的壓力。時代在變、人心在變，各種價值的混亂和理念的變質是他們這一代的困境，不管這些壓力是藉什麼樣不同的形式在考驗著年輕人，我只有一句話送給他們：心中一定要堅持理想。

我一直都相信：希望是人性中的善和人生中的苦所孕生出來的。