Why Me (Jesus Commands My Destiny)

        To many it might be a regular evening: eating dinner, watching TV or walking their dog in the neighborhood.  But to her the routine was different, home continued to be a source of pain.  Tears continued to be the appetizer at dinnertime.  While she was weeping in her bed, her four-year-old son, Wesley, came in and asked, “Mommy, there is Batman and Superman but why is our Daddy a madman?”  She couldn’t answer that question.  She was too tired to make up any more excuses for her children’s father.  How could she continue to tell him that Daddy’s voice is loud because he might have a hearing problem?   How could she continue to lie to her kids in this way?  Aren’t they the angels that God sent to this special family to help and to love their Daddy?  When the kids asked her why they didn’t have wings, she fooled them for many years by telling them to touch their back and told them that their wings were hidden.

            Wesley told her, “we need to pray for Daddy,” just like each time she had asked the kids to pray for their father with her in the past.  However, she couldn’t endure it any more, as she looked into his innocent face, so pure, so naïve, and so sincere, she cried out, “No!”  But almost instantly she realized that she couldn’t let her loving child lose his faith.  So, she said to her beloved son, Wesley, “You go and pray for your Dad.”  Unexpectedly, Wesley laid his chubby little hand on her head and started praying, “Jesus, please make my Mom happy and help her to not cry any more.  I love her, in Jesus’ name, Amen.”  He gave her a kiss, then, went out of her bedroom to pray for his Dad.

            I, Angie, am Wesley’s Mom.  Through all the tears, bitterness, pain and suffering, and the seventeen years of marriage, suicide never succeeded in ending the source of the pain in my life.  Frederick Douglass once said, “If there is no struggle, there is no progress.”  He also said, “Men may not get all they pay for in this world; but they must certainly pay for all they get.  If we ever get free from all the oppressions and wrongs heaped upon us, we must pay for their removal.  We must do this by labor, by suffering, by sacrifice, and if need be by our lives, and the lives of others.”  I thought to myself, “I cannot go on like this, I cannot continue to live this lie.”  The lie that I kept telling myself was that I could overcome the mental and physical hurt simply by enduring it day by day.  I had to realize that I was not making any progress, and nothing was going to change.  I realized that I had to make a change.

Therefore, I finally stepped out, and I broke free from the bondage!  I now had to learn to love myself, and to protect myself from both physical and mental abuse by making changes in my life.  I have now stepped out of the character of a battered woman, and moved on.  I feel as though I have flown over the valley of oppression and over the mountain of injustice, and landed in the meadow of peace and grace. 

I was just like the battered wife in the movie “Sleeping with the Enemy,”  (played by Julia Roberts) all she needed was courage, the courage to protect herself, and the courage to change the pattern of her miserable life.  She finally escaped her horrendous life, and now so have I.

My sister once told me that as a Christian I am the precious daughter of God.  Although it was tough to believe at the time, I know that it was true then as it is true now.  I have always wanted to fulfill the plan of God for my life, but I realized that I would first have to protect the temple of God the Holy Spirit, which is my own body.  This truth hit home with me, and therefore with my sister’s encouragement and constant support from my parents and brothers, I was able to survive, to have the courage to change, and to move forward without any guilty feelings about ending my marriage.

During the process of recovery from this unhealthy relationship, I have experienced quite a bit of “blame-the-victim” attitude from people.  It has hurt me to hear people say in effect, “You must have done something to make him act that way toward you.”  But, I now realize most people just don’t understand what I have gone through.  The poor advice and the insensitive things people have said to me really is okay because of the fact that they have no clue what the life was like that I experienced.  Because of this realization, I forgive them for their lack of sensitivity and lack of understanding.  This is what has motivated me to return to school.

Since I want to help women who are suffering just like I once suffered, I have decided to go back to school after being out of school for twenty years.  I have done this with the encouragement of my children and my new husband.  My returning to school and continuing my education will make all my painful experience worthwhile.  It will not only allow me to help others, but it will allow me to help others from a position of understanding.  It will mean everything to me to provide hope, support, and encouragement to women who are suffering.

Why me?  Why Angie?  Why did such a terrible experience happen to me and why did I have to endure it for so long?  Well, as I think about helping out other women the answer is clear, even if my friends don’t understand.  My friends are wondering why I am going back to school.  They ask me, “Why not enjoy your life?  Since you are now married to a man who loves you, treats you right, shows you great respect and your life is good, why worry about going back to school?  Especially at your age!  Why not take it easy since your kids are all grown up?  Why stress yourself out with all the essays, projects and exams?”  As I think about it they may have a point, and sometimes I do ask myself the same thing.

But I come back to one significant realization, my life experience and the pain from the past cannot be for nothing.  When I think about helping others get through the same pain and suffering it just continues to confirm and strengthen my determination that this is my calling and that there is a purpose in it.

I am the one who has been chosen to help, to provide comfort, and to provide hope to women in need.  Therefore, by God’s grace I will overcome the difficulties of my biological age, I will pursue this educational goal, and I will be able to help others.  I will not only help others by my experience, not only with my sympathy, nor merely through compassion, but also with professional training.  This is why I selected the major “Human Services.”  This major includes the core classes of Human Services, Sociology, Psychology and Anthropology. 

The classes that I have taken in the last two semesters have definitely broadened my views and knowledge.  I believe pursuing this educational goal is important for me to be able to provide encouragement and comfort to those in need.

             So now when I ask, “Why me?” the answer is easy, “Why not me?”  I am the perfect one for the job.  When I was suffering in the past I asked myself this question all the time, and now I know the answer without a doubt: to prepare me for my life’s work, my life’s mission.  I know that now is the time.  I am strong now, and I am ready to take on the challenge.  I am ready to go back to college, to make a difference in my own life, and to make a difference and a positive impact in others’ lives as well.  And, as someone once said, “Because no one cares about how much you know until they know how much you care.”  Well, I not only care deeply, I also will know how to help those in need once I finish my education.  I know that with this powerful combination that I will make a difference!

One day at a time, one step at a time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLy8ksqGf9w&feature=related